euphoric melancholy

Dear friends, Old and New,

It’s been a while, but I’m genuinely grateful for your presence here and for lending your time to my words. I aim to treat this exchange with the same care and respect as I give my own thoughts. If my words don’t resonate, I earnestly encourage you to invest your time and headspace elsewhere without concern for me.

In the brief, burgeoning life of this experiment, I’ve written around a hundred thousand words.  Each one is a step towards a deeper understanding of myself and the world. Yet, only a handful truly feel like me.  Articulating complex feelings and thoughts authentically is a challenging, sometimes numbing task.

But I also find beauty in unfiltered emotions, nascent ideas, and those awkward first steps toward self-discovery. Lately, the weekly updates of someone dear to me have inspired me. Her authenticity shines, almost as if she’s right there talking to me. It’s a quality I deeply admire.

While, I’m tempted to only share my polished thoughts, I prefer starting with something unrefined, akin to a page from a personal journey. I want to capture my true self at this moment. As I’m still figuring out the contours of this project, I know that I hope every letter sparks a warm conversation with you, others, or within yourself. If my words connect with you, I welcome your response, regardless of whether we’ve met before.

Historically, taking the first step has been daunting for me, littered with numerous examples where I’ve spent years wavering on significant choices. However, my reflections on embracing radical vulnerability have shown me that cannonballing into uncertainty and discomfort can be more freeing than the burden of executing a perfect dive. So here’s to a clumsy bellyflop or amusing splash — let’s find out, hah.

Sitting on the outskirts of Washington Square Park in the twilight of New Year's Eve, I'm engulfed in a whirlwind of emotions. An unexpected detour following a tragic incident on the subway led me here. My heart aches for the lost soul, and I mourn the circumstances that brought me here.

Amid the festive chaos, a girl vomits nearby and a couple makes out. If I weren’t so sleep-deprived, I know my mind would draw parallels between these scenes and my current feelings or the world at large. But there’s a time to analyze and a time to just feel what you feel.

I feel a sense of euphoric melancholy. It’s oxymoronic, but I can’t think of a more fitting two words right now. It’s a sensation that you’re a character in the opening scenes of an emotionally charged script. Each moment is heightened for emotional impact, setting the stage for what’s to come. The hope for a jubilant ending flickers like a flame gasping for oxygen, but in my heart, I know that even works of fiction don’t always have happy endings.

Today was emblematic of such a day, marking an end to a challenging few months and a year of immense hardship, confusion, and growth. These feelings may be ephemeral, but they will undoubtedly leave a lasting imprint. Rather than avoiding them, I invite them to join me in celebrating the year’s end. It reminds me of a scene from 'Spirited Away,' where Chihiro compassionately invites No-Face, a spirit symbolizing solitude and abandonment, to accompany her on an uncertain journey. I’ll attach a still when I upload this in the afternoon.

Days like this, I believe, serve a greater purpose. I found myself understanding why I started writing and this project to begin with. I’ve been sitting with, even leaning my head on, similar spirits for the past few months, exploring complex emotions, philosophical questions, and the nature of our world. Some essays I’ve been workshopping on include musings on radical vulnerability, the essence of death, and the impact of stories on our identity.

Each of my letters is a step towards answering profound questions that are molding who I am.

Writing and revising have been therapeutic, enlightening, and a rewarding process. It's when your beliefs can withstand questions and scrutiny, both from within and from trusted others, that you discover enduring shards of your identity.

My first piece, 'Stories of a Long Goodbye,' has profoundly impacted me, and I'm elated to share it with you in 2024.

As the cold numbs my fingers and the day draws to a close, the script of today's scenes reaches its bittersweet conclusion. Overlooking the quiet of Washington Square Park, I'm reminded that life's script is continuously unfolding, ever-changing, and, in its way, beautifully unpredictable. My experiences here have kicked off significant changes in my life's trajectory, making it a fitting place to start 2024's journey. Here's to the unwritten pages of tomorrow.

————

A heartfelt thanks to Nancy, Michelle, Justin, Susana, Nikhil, Emu, Lucy, Z, and many others, especially those no longer in my life, who’ve helped me start this and supported me immensely. Your impact on my journey is beyond words.

Other creative work I've recently consumed that I wanted to share if you're interested. Some relevant to what I wrote about yesterday; some irrelevant.

1. For Two Longhorns, a Breakup Became a Blessing (essay) by Robbie Spencer
2. Live Forever (animation/music) by Kotomi, Ryan Elder, Dan Harmon, and Scott Marder
3. The power of vulnerability (TED talk) by Brené Brown
4. Everything I Leave Behind For You (book) by Emily Her
5. "I Was a Starter Wife": Inside America's Messiest Divorce (essay) by Justine Musk